I'm a little down today after an incident in the street last night. I spent the day with a friend shopping for summer clothes for my up-coming trips and had a really lovely day. We decided to go back to her home town for some Dinner afterwards. Whilst walking to the restaurant, for the first time ever since I transitioned 10 years ago, I got verbally abused in the street. So it was a group of teenagers but the ferocity of the shouting really put me off my guard. I was quite shocked that such intense feelings about transexualism still exists. OK - So if people find out, they are generally a little shocked. This is a pretty nice feeling in some ways because it shows that they had no idea to begin with so all the changes you have made in your life have not been in vain. Some people are just really good at spotting some visual clues that might give your status away but generally speaking, day to day, it doen't happen. It made me start to think again about those people for whom "passing" every day is almost impossible and the hurt they must feel when they get the same response I got yesterday.
So, what is it that makes people feel so agrieved by people like me or even the wider gay community? Is it their own insecurities, always cited by the Gay community when they get abused. I'm not so sure. Is it this current generation who are growing up with a culture that uses lyrics in songs against Gender and sexually different people and where the word "gay" is used as a derogatory term? Or some other far more inbred and evolutionary reason. Perhaps the feelings that we where "deviants" has never actually gone away but has been forced underground by legislating against prejudice without really ever addressing the issue of education. I know of many places on the Internet that have become "closed" because of the ferocity of the attacks they recieve. I can't quite put my finger on it but I would love to know. I've had a lot of rejection in my life because of the way I am and I've also had a lot of surprises when people are capable of looking beyond it. Yesterdays incident just proved to me that, I'm quite lucky to not have people shout at me like that all the time, but it is sometimes not appropriate for your status to be revealed as feelings out there are so high, it can be an area where your personal security is threatened. Yes, For the first time in quite a long time, I feel very vunrable. However, I'm not going to let it upset me too much. It's one time in 10 years. I guess thats a pretty good track record. I've had more nice reactions then nasty ones. Generally speaking, the population is very good about things. But perhaps I'm a little blinkered because I don't undergo that sort of treatment everyday. I know of plenty of people who do and I realise, probably for the first time, how blited their lives must be. Keep you head up high and don't let the few bastards grind you down!
Anyway - As a result of all that - I sat down and watched Soldiers Girl again last night (I haven't watched it for quite a few years). You know it's the saddest film I probably have ever watched but it always gives me a determination I can't find anywhere else. If you haven't seen it, try and get hold of a copy. In the UK, thats very hard. I taped it from Showtime when I was in New Jersey but have since bought a copy from Amazon. It was never released in the UK which is extremely annoying. It's a film everyone should watch and based on a true story. PS. Troy Garity is HOT!
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