A physical adventure

When I started my adventure into the world of Physics and academia, I used to look at some of the papers pre-published on arxiv.org and wonder if I would ever be able to understand the beautiful equations, tables and graphs that they contained. For the uninitiated they are truly scary. But the more I study, the more of those squiggles and abstract pieces of writing I do understand. So reading them, even if you don't fully understand them, is a valuable part of the educational process.

I'm also a very shy person. I hate being amongst crowds of people. This is especially true when the crowds of people have a massive potential for showing up my lack of knowledge and understanding. I wimp out. Being in a room full of people doing such great and interesting work and feeling that you really don't belong there is a terrible feeling. I had a conversation with someone at an IOP event once which went along the lines of :

Person : "I'm working on the Elastic theory of low-dimensional continua and its applications in bio- and nano-structures - And you?"

Me : "I'm a 2nd year Physics undergraduate at the Open University"

Person : "That's nice.......See you then...."

However, the comment Simon Singh made on BBC news 24 during the LHC first beam day ("I got out of particle physics because everyone was smarter then me"), made me think seriously about this. I know it hampers my development and I have really been trying to come to terms with the shyness. I think being a mature student I feel I have less validity then those that had the opportunity to go to University early on in life and now able to make a contribution to *real* research. I have this underlying feeling that I have "missed the boat" and "will never catch up".  I hasten to add that those in the Physics/Astronomy community don't make me feel this way. They are the most open and welcoming bunch of people (in the main) I have ever met. I do this to myself.

But wait. I am studying. I started late in life but have always had a real passion for the subject. I find it quite hard going at times which probably makes this a more nobler pursuit for me then those that find it easy. I'm holding down a full time job, and have other pressing life issues and I still choose to spend almost all my spare time pursuing this passion. Perhaps that makes me eminently qualified to be part of the world of physics. The feeling that the more I know, the less I understand also seems to be saying I am reaching the point where all the things I have learned will stop being a disparate bunch of facts and equations and finally make sense as a whole.